First Time

So this week-end I fucked a pretty girl with a strap-on for the first time.

The harness was a little uncomfortable, and it slid and shifted around a lot. It was the kind of harness with a pocket for a little bullet vibe and the vibe felt both good and painful when it was in the right spot. Also, it turns out all that thrusting is really hard work!

But forget those minor complaints. Seriously, forget them, because it was really, really fucking awesome. To watch her completely delicious body from those angles, to hear the noises she made as I fucked her--so completely hot and awesome. According to Jack, who was hanging out on the edge of the bed watching everything, I had a maniacal grin on my face the whole time. It was so much fun. I can't wait to do it again, and I keep thinking up all sorts of hot fantasy scenarios involving lucious, curvy girls who are also very mean and like making hapless innocents fuck them with strap-ons.

I totally want a Feeldoe now.

The Last Time I Had Sex

I've written here before about my creepy abusive ex from high school, and I've written about being groped by a stranger on the bus. And since April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I've been reading lots of other people's assault stories. For some reason, what reading these stories reminded me of was not my own assault story, but...well...the last time I had sex with my creepy abusive ex-boyfriend.

It was consensual. It was, in fact, probably what I wanted almost more than anything else in the world at that time, because I was convinced that if we had sex again he would want me back. But I'm getting ahead of myself...let me start over.

He broke up with me. He broke up with me in April for unclear reasons (I was convinced it was my fault, because everything had always been my fault) after at least a month where he was increasingly distant and strange. Later, I would remember the IM conversations with my "best friend," a girl we knew only online, that he had finished by saying "I love you," and it would all add up, but for the time being I was devastated and confused and spent pretty much all my time either begging him to take me back or deciding when, exactly, I was going to kill myself.

The day it happened was the day of his graduation. After the ceremony, I went out to dinner with his family and back to his house. We were kissing, making out in his bed, and I think he asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted to have sex. We left his room and went into a closed-off room that no one used for anything except storage. He kept asking, over and over, "Are you sure you want to do this?" It seemed like things were going so well, he had been so attentive, so affectionate, so nice to me, that I was thinking I had passed the "temporary break-up test" (because up until this point, everything had always been a test) and that we were going to get back together. I was very, very sure I wanted it.

I laid down on the floor and he got on top of me. It was brief, in my memory it seems like it only lasted a minute or two but I'm not completely sure. I remember being confused about where the condom had come from, as he'd said a while before that he was out of them and that's why we weren't having sex any more. And then, after he came, he got up and went back to his room. I followed, and sat on the bed. I don't know what I was expecting--that he would say we were officially getting back together? That he would come sit on the bed and cuddle with me? Instead, he picked up a cheap plastic bracelet off his dresser and tossed it to me. Then he went to sit down on the floor and play video games with his brother. He pretty much ignored me for the rest of the night, until I went home.

I didn't have penis-in-vagina sex again for six and a half years, and for that time this was an event of huge, terrifying significance in my life. It was "The Last Time I Had Sex."

It would hit me a few months later, the awful symbolism of the bracelet and the way he ignored me. I ended up tearfully telling my next boyfriend the story, concluding it by saying "he thought I was just a worthless whore."

The creepy ex didn't speak to me for about two months after graduation, after the last time we had sex, and over the course of those two months I woke up. It was that sudden. I got up one day, and I wasn't in love with him anymore. I wasn't devastated. I was, well, me again. And I slowly reconstructed my life, figured out who I was. He and I were in contact for a few months after, on and off, with me telling him to leave me alone and him convincing me we could be friends. Eventually I stopped replying to his e-mails.

I'm still scared of him sometimes. Part of me is scared he'll find this blog post and read it and recognize it (there are enough details here I feel like he would) and then he'd have found me again.

Part of me hopes that if he did, he'd be scandalized by what I'm up to now, since he would constantly say that he "hated sluts" and that open relationships were wrong and cheating.

But today, thinking about this, I'm really unnerved by how many times he asked if I really wanted to have sex with him that day. I'm convinced he knew it was a bad idea, he knew I'd look back and regret it, and he was really just obtaining clear consent over and over to cover his ass. I'm so creeped out by that thought.

Rope and Orgasms

Jack and I went to a rope class a while back, and it was really cool. We'd never really been rope people (despite my not-so-subtle hints of buying rope, and books about rope, and entering online contests and winning rope) and I was really excited that jack was going to learn about tying me up. It was an awesome night and we learned a bunch and met and interacted with lots of cool people.

So last night, we were fooling around and he breaks out the rope. He tied my hands behind my back, and then tied my legs--ankle to thigh. I was pretty much completely immobilized. And then he fucked me.

It was great sex--I really like being unable to move during sex. It makes me feel used and powerless. However, in the past when I've been tied with scarves or neckties or held down with inexpensive velcro restraints, I've either been untied before orgasm (it's pretty easy to untie a scarf or necktie while in the middle of sex) or haven't really come.

But rope, real rope bondage tied tight with pretty blue nylon rope is really different. It's sexy as hell, which makes it pretty easy for me to come...but I'm a wiggler. I move around a fair amount while having an orgasm. I had a moment, immobilized with the rope, where it seemed like the orgasm would last forever. And then I realized I couldn't move. I was still coming, but I couldn't move. It felt really strange, and kind of distracting.

It's supposed to be the tying part that's tricky, that you have to learn and practice. But I think I need more practice being tied. And, you know, coming while tied up.

Subspace with Tails

A few days ago, our friend Tails came over. She was one of the very first kinky people Jack and I met, months before we even started going out to play parties. She's very sweet and very fun, and we always have a really great time.

This most recent date was seriously beyond all our previous ones. It's taken me almost a week to process it enough to sit down and figure out how to write about it. I think also I'm having a hard time actually figuring how to write about the specifics of a sexual encounter - the who did what to whom part. It's scary, and I'm worried I won't do it justice.

Tails was the first girl I ever had sex with. And the first few times, I definitely felt like there was a learning curve...I knew where the right bits and pieces were, and I knew what I was supposed to do, but I'm pretty sure it was apparent how inexperienced I was despite my enthusiasm.

This time...I don't know how else to describe it, other than to use words like "beautiful" and "moving." I was going down on her, and I basically never wanted it to stop. I was completely focused on what I was doing, completely absorbed, and blissfully happy. I just wanted to keep giving her pleasure, to keep feeling her grind and wriggle against my tongue and contract around my fingers.

When I was younger, I read Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards. When you're drawing (and I've felt this while drawing) and your concentration is complete, and your brain shifts into the drawing-place, you don't notice anything else. You can't hear music, and distractions cease to exist, and everything else in your life just fades into the background. That's what this sex was like - complete concentration, my senses completely absorbed in the act. Amazing.

Eventually, she pulled me up into a sitting position and hugged me. I was shaking, almost crying. On some level, I didn't know what was going on at all. I was someplace else. I kept saying "thank you" over and over again, I felt so honored that she'd allowed me to have this amazing, earth-shattering experience. She and Jack hugged me, and stroked my hair and told me I was a good girl, and eventually I came back to myself.

I feel like a lot of the time people I know talk about subspace being reached through pain. And that's awesome (and I'm totally back to loving pain, btw) and exciting and wonderful, but it's much rarer for me to hit subspace just through sex, to lose myself in someone else's body, to be in that place of complete concentration and wanting nothing else in the world but to pleasure this person. I've always had this idea of losing myself in sex, and I'd always thought that was only possible for the moment when a particularly amazing orgasm takes hold. But what I'm learning is that I can lose myself in someone else, and that's even more exciting.

Lots of other really awesome things happened that day. Tails spanked me until I couldn't take anymore, Jack spanked her until he bruised his hand, she showed us some cool new rope bondage stuff she's been learning, there was some candle wax and some squirting. Tails is turning into quite a mean top. But probably the thing that will stick in my mind is how I felt when she pulled me into her arms and I was shaking and on the verge of tears and thanking her over and over again for allowing me to experience her like that. It was amazing.