Sl...lighty Promiscuous

So in college, I had this friend. Let's call her Cara. And while we started out close, over the course of one semester in which we had almost every class together, I slowly came to hate her. This is largely because, at a time when I couldn't for the life of me get laid, she would not shut the fuck up about her sex life. And really, what's more irritating than hearing about someone's multi-orgasmic adventures when you haven't had sex in years?

Part of what made me so uncomfortable was that I don't think a lot of the guys she was having all these multiple orgasms with liked her very much. I know this is kind of my personal hang-up, but the thought of having sex with someone who I wouldn't want to just hang out with, or who wouldn't want to hang out with me, makes me cringe.

It all came to a head when we were both kind of interested in the same guy. I hate telling this part of the story, because I'm afraid it makes me sound like a crazy, jealous nutcase...but anyway, we both knew this guy. And I was not up for NSA sex, and Cara was. The guy hung out with me one night, and told me all about how dumb he thought Cara was and how annoying he found her. I found out a month later that after that night, he and Cara had sex.

I was horrified. I just felt so icky thinking about my friend sleeping with this dude who clearly didn't have any respect for her at all. It seemed to me like no guy I knew wanted to have sex with a girl he respected, and that really freaked me the fuck out. I flipped one night and told Cara all the shitty things he'd said about her. We didn't exactly have a falling out, but we were never even sort of close again. I was left feeling awful about the whole situation.

In an unfortunate effort to make myself feel better, I started referring to Cara as "my slutty friend Cara." Not to people we both knew, as I was out of school and away from anyone who actually knew her, but just when telling stories about things that happened. "Jen, Allie, and my slutty friend Cara were at the bar..." Stupid shit like that. Then I started dating Jack, my awesome, awesome boyfriend, who would not stand for that sort of nonsense. I amended "slutty" to "sl...lightly promiscuous," said just like that, with the l sound drawn out, just to be a smartass. "My sl...lighty promiscuous friend Cara." It annoys Jack slightly less than just calling her a slut would.

But now, as part of my self-improvement campaign to end the slut-shaming inside my own head, I feel like I should maybe knock it the fuck off. I have no reason to identify her this way anymore, except to validate my own issues with casual sex. I kept telling myself that the problem was with Cara, and with the guys she banged - it wasn't that she was more attractive than I was, just that she had lower standards.

It still makes me really uncomfortable to think about people I care about having sex with people who don't respect them. But it's kind of awful of me to lose respect for my friends because some asshole dude (or lady, though this only ever seems to happen to my female friends) doesn't respect them - the dude (or lady) is an asshole, so why would I care what they think about my friends?

And really, thinking about this today, part of me wishes I could go back in time and take Cara shopping for a vibrator. That would've been a lot more productive than causing a big, stupid blow up. Not that a vibrator is necessarily a perfect sex-substitute (as I knew very, very well at the time) but I feel like more college-age girls should know that they can take charge of their sexuality and have multiple orgasm adventures without hooking up with skeezy dudes.

And honestly, I'm sl...lighty promiscuous myself these days.