Missing masochism...

So firstly, I'm completely wiped out by all this holiday ridiculousness. I just slept for, like, twelve hours and I still feel kind of zombie-like.

But here's the meat of the entry - I haven't been that into pain lately. It's kind of disappointing. It happens from time to time, but I don't think I've ever really thought or talked about it much.

I'm still totally up for rough sex, for dirty talk and being called names, and for other stuff as well...but I can't take a good spanking. It's really disappointing. I like being spanked, I like the idea of it. But right now the physical like just isn't there.

It's not that spanking or otherwise being smacked around ever doesn't hurt, but it feels different when I'm in the right headspace. I know this isn't news to anyone else into this sort of thing, but I figure it's worth describing what it's like for me.

I'm not what you'd call a pain slut, even at the best of times. And it's really hard to talk about pain quantitatively - how can you ever be sure anyone else is experiencing the same level of pain you are in the same way? I can take what I'd call a "moderate amount" of pain, but for someone else that might just be the warm-up.

For me...right now, even a spanking I know I would normally take and enjoy has me squealing and trying to get away. And not in a role play sort of "Oh, no! The mean man is hitting me!" kind of way - in a way that's close to genuine panic.

Usually I don't reach a panicky place. Usually it hurts, but not in an upsetting way. And then there's a magic hit, and it doesn't hurt anymore and everything goes tingly. Sometimes after a little while, it starts to hurt again and I know I've had enough, but it's not often a scary, panicky feeling. It's just an "Okay, I'm done now."

The thing now is that I miss all that. It's really disappointing to try to get to that tingly, intense, close feeling and instead just feel like you wish it'd stop. But talking about it is a lot better than just feeling it alone in my head, and acknowledging that it's just a thing that happens sometimes is kinda nice. And eventually whatever it is will shift again and I'll be back to normal.

So yeah...talking about things is good.