So Jack and I were traveling this week-end, with friends who we're not out to. Somehow, I found myself with a group of friends of friends making all sorts of comments where I would basically say "I'm into BDSM! Only I'm JUST JOKING! Hahahahahahahaha! I'm being scandalous and funny!" It was a very weird situation for me.

And I realized that this is something I used to do all the damn time. About kink and about being attracted to girls and sometimes even just about liking and enjoying sex. It's a defense mechanism. It's a way of gauging reactions, testing the waters, and of being kind of confrontational without actually risking anything.

It's kind of cowardly. It's something I haven't done in a long time because I've mostly been around people I don't feel the need to shock and then hide from. It's nice. Unsurprisingly, I like myself a lot better when I'm just being honest than when I'm telling the truth to provoke people, then pretending I was joking. I like myself a lot better.