Worries.

I am a worrier. I've been a worrier for about as long as I can remember, and worrying runs in my family. My mom worries, my grandma is a seriously world-class worrier. I have had two small panic attacks, mostly because of being exhausted and in crowded places. I often say I have some anxiety issues, but I've never been diagnosed with anything.

One of the attractions of BDSM for me is that I don't have to worry while I'm in the middle of a scene. Especially when playing with Jack--I get to relax and put myself completely in his hands and trust that he'll take care of the worrying. It's actually pretty awesome that it works that way.

(I'm pretty sure lots of people would tell me that this is unhealthy, that this is just an escape like drugs or alcohol, that dealing with anxiety by getting consensually beaten up is sick. I would like to point out to those people that I think it's probably more healthy than frequent binge drinking, which is how I used to deal with my worrying.)

Regardless of how I think anyone would possibly react, it is a relief for me not to have to think. I have never been much of a physical person--I never really got into sports or working out or the other things people say makes them feel connected to their body. There's a line in Christopher Durang's play Baby With the Bathwater where Daisy talks about having innumerable casual sexual encounters because of the moment during sex when you forget everything, even who you are and just feel. Pain pulls me back into my body, makes my brain shut up. And that is really just freaking awesome.

There are lots and lots and lots of other reasons why BDSM and kinky play are awesome, why submitting and surrendering to your partner can be amazing and freeing. There are lots of reasons why I find this sort of thing sexy as hell. But for me, there's a delightful side benefit to be found in not having to worry.